Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, June 14, 2010

Wow. So far this has been a total fail. I think I've discovered a new use for the thing called a "blog".

I was going to get a journal to keep track of our daily "dealings" (or no dealings) with A.J., maybe I'll just use this for that purpose. So, I guess it can still be my life evolving, but moreso; my life REvolving. Revolving around a kid with ADHD and Asperger's. And yes, my life does revolve around him. It has to. In order to survive what can be a crazy, chaotic, stressful, exhausting life it HAS to.

You see, in order for us to have a peace in our home, we have to adjust to A.J.'s expectations. It's such a fine line. While we have to adjust to what we THINK A.J. may be expecting, we also have to teach him that it will not always go his way, and he's going to have to learn how to deal with it. Wow. How do you do that? How do you keep a peaceful home and not rip all your hair out losing your mind and teach him those hard, but necessary, lessons? The thought merely brings me to tears. It's going to take suffering on my part and suffering on his. There are moments where I want to just bear it all. I'll just learn to always adjust my life and what I do on a daily basis around him. Whether it really works for me or not. I will suffer. But, there are times where I feel completely selfish and I feel like I will not live my life always worrying about how he will react, or what he might say. Sorry kid, suck it up and deal. It's a constant battle in my soul. He breaks my heart without even knowing.

Often times I'm left feeling alone. I never knew how lonely it would feel to be the only one to know what it's like to have a child who requires so much of me. The thing is, I never really thought he did need much of me. He's really quite independent and doesn't ask much of us. But, it's not him who requires things of me. It's his ADHD and Asperger's that require much of me.

He cannot handle surprises, he DOES not do change, he's a picky eater, he has trouble sleeping, he sucks his fingers, he wants his blanket with him everywhere, he doesn't like shoes, he's smart, he's creative, he's loud, he's active, he makes silly, crazy, odd sounds, he's easily distracted. He is all of those things; good or bad. But the one thing that matters most to me is, he's mine.

There was no mistake when I gave birth to Anderson Joseph Benner, 8 years ago. He came into my life for a reason, and I became his mommy for a reason. And though times may not always be easy we will both learn and grow. And though there may be days when I don't like being his mommy, I will always, always love him.

1 comment:

  1. {{hugs}} Thank you for your wise words in the past. I look forward to reading your blog!