Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.- Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Yikes. I don't even know where to begin.

Today was a horrible, horrible day. Today would be one of those days where I can honestly say, I did not like being his mommy today. (and yes today, for the majority of the day)

Today was Olivia's birthday party. I had a lot to do in a little amount of time, and Joe was at work. I had to get to the store to get groceries and a few things for the party. It was a nightmare, to say the least.

Brodie and Olivia were angels! (Thank goodness!) A.J., on the other hand, wanted everything and wouldn't take no for an answer. I told him I wasn't getting anything that wasn't on my list. First it was Doritos, he was told no and was told to put it back. His reply was, no. And he walked around the store with it, until I took it from him and put it back myself. Then he found peanuts, repeat the aforementioned. Then it was Oatmeal Creme Pies, then it was Hershey's Bars. Everything was a fight and a very loud fight. At first as punishment I told him he couldn't go to a party that he had been invited to that day. By the time we left that store and were on our way home, he was going to that party. I didn't want to be around him. I needed a break from him. I know, consistency is good. And especially for him. But, I just couldn't. I needed to not see or hear him for awhile.

It was such an exhausting day. My mind is busy. So busy that I can't even think to type what is all going on. So, I guess I'm done. Done with this post, done with this day.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

After reading and re-reading my last blog, I've decided that my last statement of; 'and though there are days I don't like being his mommy', sounds awful. Really, really awful. I thought I should really rephrase that. But, you know? It's true. Wait...I can rephrase it. Maybe not days just moments. And though it may still sound awful to say that there are moments I don't like being his mommy, it's the truth. And one thing I want this blog to be is raw and totally me and what I'm feeling. There. That's that.

Now, on to the next thing. A day in the life of A.J.:

What went well: There were a lot of things that went well today. How could it not? We went to Chuck E. Cheese. I've never seen this kid get out of bed so fast. :) This is how it went:

"A.J.! Get up!"
"A.J.! Time to get out of bed!"
"A.J.! Get up, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese today!"
A.J. sits STRAIGHT up in bed!

That was a success. A.J. was shown his clothes, which I think I only had to tell him once to put on. (I believe this morning his patch was put on before he got out of bed) Again, success!

Everyone is dressed and ready to go ON TIME! Woo hoo! No fights, no arguments! We need to do Chuck E. Cheese everyday! :)

Chuck E. Cheese was a success. Everyone had a good time. A.J. didn't eat, but played the whole time instead. Shocker. The kid doesn't eat when there aren't any distractions around, throw in the rides and games and there's no way. He picked what he wanted to get with his tickets in a timely manner and when it was time to go, no hassle. Success!

A.J. had a friend over for a few hours after Chuck E. Cheese. I asked them to be quiet so Brodie could nap. They were told to play outside or upstairs. They chose outside and did very well. Brodie, however, was not interested in sleep. (sigh)

The time after his friend went home is kind of a blur, I was dozing on and off. I think his dad came home and they ate some dinner and then he got ready for baseball.

Baseball game at 7:30. We leave the house at 6:15. Joe and I grab some Subway along the way. I drive so Joe can eat. We get to baseball and A.J. and Joe (he's helping coach) head to practice while I sit in the van with a sleeping Brodie and eat my Subway.

A.J. played a good game. He hit well, but they lost. By the time the game started, his medicine has worn off. He is good, but is VERY distracted. (writing in the sand, throwing his glove in the air, making odd noises, etc.) All in all, success!

On the way home, the kids are told when they get home it's jammies and bed. A little bit of arguing and groaning (moreso from his little sis). BUT, we get home and jammies go on.

And I'm in bed.

What went bad:

There are only a couple things I can think of that didn't go well today. When we arrived at Chuck E. Cheese, I told Brodie he couldn't take his blankie in because I wasn't keeping track of it. A.J. heard this and proceeded to grab on tightly to his blankie. I told A.J. he wasn't taking it in because I wasn't keeping track of it and if we lost it, that was it. There's no more. He was NOT happy with this. He held on tight and cried for his blankie. After a bit of a battle and threatening to go home, the blankie was put next to his seat for when he returned.

The second thing must have been pretty minor because I can't even remember now. LOL

Today was a good day. I can only hope the same for tomorrow. I love that kid.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Wow. So far this has been a total fail. I think I've discovered a new use for the thing called a "blog".

I was going to get a journal to keep track of our daily "dealings" (or no dealings) with A.J., maybe I'll just use this for that purpose. So, I guess it can still be my life evolving, but moreso; my life REvolving. Revolving around a kid with ADHD and Asperger's. And yes, my life does revolve around him. It has to. In order to survive what can be a crazy, chaotic, stressful, exhausting life it HAS to.

You see, in order for us to have a peace in our home, we have to adjust to A.J.'s expectations. It's such a fine line. While we have to adjust to what we THINK A.J. may be expecting, we also have to teach him that it will not always go his way, and he's going to have to learn how to deal with it. Wow. How do you do that? How do you keep a peaceful home and not rip all your hair out losing your mind and teach him those hard, but necessary, lessons? The thought merely brings me to tears. It's going to take suffering on my part and suffering on his. There are moments where I want to just bear it all. I'll just learn to always adjust my life and what I do on a daily basis around him. Whether it really works for me or not. I will suffer. But, there are times where I feel completely selfish and I feel like I will not live my life always worrying about how he will react, or what he might say. Sorry kid, suck it up and deal. It's a constant battle in my soul. He breaks my heart without even knowing.

Often times I'm left feeling alone. I never knew how lonely it would feel to be the only one to know what it's like to have a child who requires so much of me. The thing is, I never really thought he did need much of me. He's really quite independent and doesn't ask much of us. But, it's not him who requires things of me. It's his ADHD and Asperger's that require much of me.

He cannot handle surprises, he DOES not do change, he's a picky eater, he has trouble sleeping, he sucks his fingers, he wants his blanket with him everywhere, he doesn't like shoes, he's smart, he's creative, he's loud, he's active, he makes silly, crazy, odd sounds, he's easily distracted. He is all of those things; good or bad. But the one thing that matters most to me is, he's mine.

There was no mistake when I gave birth to Anderson Joseph Benner, 8 years ago. He came into my life for a reason, and I became his mommy for a reason. And though times may not always be easy we will both learn and grow. And though there may be days when I don't like being his mommy, I will always, always love him.